“Alam mo beaw, isa sa mga dilemna ko sa buhay ngayon, eh kung paano ko malalaman nang hindi ako nasasaktan, na handa na ulit ako magmahal. Ang gulo. Haha.”
I was with a dear friend of mine last Tuesday, talking about random things, when this thought suddenly popped into my mind. Then I remembered that little chat Ate Mutya and I had a few days ago: that waiting can be done, but it is never going to be easy.
I am not really a big fan of waiting. I easily become impatient when in line for procedures of certain matters. I don’t know. I easily become paranoid, and I always want to get things the easy way. But I have learned that something which isn’t worked hard for is not worthy. As they put it, there’s no easy way. But why do we always look for ways to do otherwise?
Because we don’t want to get hurt. Because we are impulsive in our own way. And because we always have this fear that we are stupid enough if we let go of something that is in our favor. I will be honest. I feel that I am ready to love again, that I am ready to be in another relationship. But, I am not sure if I am sane during those times. I only feel it. I don’t know if what I think agrees with what I feel. You get the idea?
Sure, I had these “flings” as they put it. That is that one thing I will not be having again. It is like, being in a pseudo-relationship. You will get the benefits of receiving good morning/goodnight messages, you’ll have someone to be with whenever you want to go malling, you will feel a little special, but when the time comes that either one of you falls in love, there comes the complication. Why? Because there should be no commitments, no expectations. Yet, you made yourself believe otherwise, even if there are no assurances. Complicated, right?
I was once told that I shouldn’t have been serious the first time I had the chance to be in a relationship. “Fling-fling lang kasi dapat.” I can’t believe one person telling that to another one, unless, it is his/her own doing. I have my own reasons for stopping having these kind of things. One of them is that I don’t gain anything. I don’t even feel any happiness. Yes, there may be some, but only temporary. I can’t have happiness in the long run if I engage myself in something that has no future.
I keep on praying for someone to come into my life. But how do I know if he is the right one, or if now is the right time? The right person in the wrong time is still the wrong person. A person can adjust. He can always come back my way if the first or second chance slipped away. And we can’t turn back time. That’s why we have this concept of having the past. You can either dwell in it or learn from it. Your call. I told you love is ever that complicated.
It is not that I am closing my doors for anyone. But my #1 goal right now is to know God more. No questions there.
To whoever you will be, hear this out: You only have three things to know about me.
- I am not perfect;
- I love YOU; and
- I love God more than that of the capitalized word in #2.
Do you know what comforts me whenever I get sad about this whole love thing? 1 John 4:19. “We love because God loved us first.” Why do I always tell myself that I am unable to love when The One who gives its perfect meaning has shown me its true purpose?
I will be more than willing to risk some things in my life if it means having someone to walk with me in my journey for Christ.