I really intend to make up a post thanking every significant and insignificant person that are and was in my life for the past year. But I guess I will run out of words and will just say the same things over and over again. So I have thought of just expressing out how my life turned out after all the things I said, thought, and did.
First off, this letter is for anyone who will come across this post and will take time to actually read its content. I may or may not refer to a particular person, consciously or unconsciously. But surely, there will be a certain person in mind as I tell every experience, emotion, and feeling I have had.
I was filled with hope and courage that I can live out this year–not without pain–but with more tolerable anguish. Recovering from a failed relationship is that hard most especially when you don’t know which part to mend first. I have lived every waking moment with sore eyes and carrying all throughout the day the same misery I had the other night. Then dusk approaches and I look forward to another tear-soaked pillow. You never asked how I was. You never bothered to make even one phone call just to check on how I am coping up. You just carried on with what was decided, and you were fine with that. But I wasn’t.
Every hour has been torture-like. Every word you have spoken to me before turned out to be my only evidence that all of those were real; that you were in my life. Months and months I lived that way. It even came to the point that I prepared myself emotionally for the failed subjects I might get in that semester, because really, you were a big factor on why I wasn’t able to focus. But, maybe, I wasn’t meant to fail. I still passed despite the fact that I flunked every quiz I took. After that, I strived harder, better. I promised myself that my academics wouldn’t be compromised.
I was thankful for the busy summer that used up all of my time being in school and completing my OJT hours in a BPO. Even though it was very physically tiring, I chose it over the reality that I am attending to my battle scars. Then I met you.
You are a friend of a friend. Academic requirements were piling up because Final Examinations were coming. But I chose to watch a play, courtesy of another friend. I tricked myself into thinking that I deserve some good time with my friends before getting lost in the harsh world of psychological reports. With enchanting eyes, and a very charming smile, I was pretty sure you’d stick around in mind. And you did.
I was ecstatic with every moment of having you within an arm’s reach. I had been smiling crazily with every message you relay. I had made up the idea that you were definitely making me happy. I guess those were the reasons that they said I was a bit obvious. But then circumstances arose, and chances slipped away, I have left that fairy tale of mine. I can’t continue expecting that you would agree with what I would want. I stopped living a dream with you having no knowledge that you are the main character alongside with me.
I have built a wall around me; a wall I thought was strong enough that it wouldn’t let anyone else in. But you knew all the right words to say for me to bring it down.
Who would have thought that a simple phone call would change lives? I can’t remember who called first, but I swear I still smile whenever your laughter from that very morning resounds in my head. I stayed all night just to hear the silence of your room, and to be startled when you toss and turn on your bed, hoping that you’d greet me, “Good morning!” I didn’t listen to class discussions to be able to comfort you after a tiring day at work. I’ve made you take pictures of yourself before going to school. I answered simple math problems for you were saying it aloud while you were working on your homework.
I still laugh at the pause you made the first time I said I love you. I miss the rush of emotions I’m having when you say the same. I still play around the idea of what if’s and how. I thought it would have been easy. But you proved otherwise. Your frozen smiles were enough. I was happy with the melody your voice makes. I was contented with your promises. But you weren’t with mine. So then you’ve decided, of which sent me back into that realm that even the strongest of hearts doesn’t dare to go to.
However, there is really a force in this world that brings me back to the person I didn’t know I am. It was my turn to decide. Your mixed signals were messing up my plan to put you out of the picture, but that one instance punched my reality that, yeah, maybe you don’t like it that way. I made a promise to myself, and I swear I am keeping it. If I want to believe that promises aren’t made to be broken, I should start with myself doing it. Because you weren’t able to play it out and that was a promise broken.
I know what I have said so far confuses you–A LOT. But let me put it simply: Yes. I felt the need to be in a relationship. Yes. I failed once. And yes. I am not in one now. You have scolded me countless times, and I continue to go against your words; which is the reason that I keep on getting hurt. I just feel so alone, and I have no one to turn to; until He finally made His way to me.
Amidst all of the times I avoided Him, He just keeps on getting on the way. I seldom talk to Him, yet He knows what to do with what I am going through. I don’t usually have Him in mind, yet He has proven countless of times that I am remembered. I didn’t live my life with acknowledging Him, yet He guides me step by step. I have chosen temptations over Him, yet, He chooses me.
You are the sole reason I am here. You are the one responsible of all the tears I cried, all the hurt I’ve been through, all the suffering I endured. You are the reason I am afraid. And You have set me up on this.
But, You know what? I would rather be here than in any place without all the hymns being sung for You. I am fine with all the tears I shed if I need all those to bring back the smiles on my face. Being hurt is better than feeling nothing at all. It is okay to suffer if after it, I will be a better person. I will choose to be afraid, for it means I have room to be brave under Your supervision. And I more than grateful that You have set me up on this. Because if You haven’t, I would have been still living in misery.
You know what’s best for me. You know very well Your plans in my life. You know me very well that You are honing me to the best person I can become. Because all of that, I have decided to let You take over the course in my life. I may not like where You’d take me. I may question You for the things You planned out for me. But I trust in You.
You play a very important role in my life. You may be a friend who laughs at me whenever I share my clumsy moments; you may be a family member who knows very well that I don’t like small talks when I am extremely busy; you may be a mentor who is constantly curious with what I post in social media sites, you may be a stranger living across the globe who just stumbles upon my blog; you may be someone whom I yet to know; whoever you are, thank you. It makes me feel very, very special to have you in my existence. I appreciate you for keeping up with who I am, and understanding that I am really stubborn and very mean. This journey wouldn’t be so enjoyable and fun if you aren’t here. You made my life extra wonderful, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
Again, from the very core of what keeps me alive, THANK YOU. Seriously.
P.S. I would appreciate it lots if you want to stay for another year, or even more years to come. It wouldn’t be fun if I continue to talk away and no one listens, right?