For the past three months, I have been going through something that everybody said that is too obvious even if I did not really tell people about it. It wasn’t the first time that I have gone through it. So I said to myself, “It’ll be just like last time. You were able to overcome it. It’ll be just easy.”
I was wrong.
I have spent so many moments just throwing out questions with no answers coming around. There were nights that I wasn’t able to fall asleep because of the pain in my chest that seemed to be just there, never going away. Instances have risen that I chose to disconnect with people and be just on my own because I thought it was easier. It was, for a time.
It was easier in a way that I didn’t have to worry about them asking me how I was, for I didn’t even know how and what to respond. It was easier that I didn’t have to think about others’ feelings, for I didn’t even know how to handle mine. And it was easier to just shut down my emotions, for I thought that it was easier not to feel anything — at all.
I was also so open about being hurt, being in pain. (So I guess that made it so obvious). I have come to embrace the brokenness; to pick up the shattered pieces; to just feel all the pain there is. And from a psychological standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with it since I really need it to bring back balance in my hormones.
I was like that for three months. Or maybe, longer than three months. Maybe, I have been like this for so long that I was just in denial.
Yes, God has promised me strength. Yes, I know He heals the broken. Yes. His grace abounds, it overflows. But, I have forgotten something for so long. And it’s something that I think caused all of these. I have forgotten that God is my Father. That not only He provides, but He loves me so much like no one else could ever do. As simple as it looks like, I AM A DAUGHTER OF MY KING. And nothing can separate me from His love.
Sometimes, we think trust is just a simple term. But if you dig deeper, trusting the Lord means full surrender to HIS plans for you, and full acceptance that HE works for the good of everything in your life — in HIS perfect time.
I have learned all of these after a lot of heartbreaking moments and endless, sleepless nights. I thought, I already know everything. I thought, I can handle situations on my own. I thought, I should stop at being better.
Forgive me, Father, for picking up what I’ve already laid down at Your feet. Trusting You may be hard, but I choose this path than to be on my own again. Tonight, I decide to trust You once more. And I’m asking for strength not do otherwise anymore. Thank You, Father, for reminding me that I belong to You.
Hi, you. 😀 I feel like there’s the slightest of chances that you’d be reading up to here — that you’d even read. Heehee. 😀 Anyway, just wanted to let you know, and everyone else who’d be reading, too, that nothing has changed. I still love you the same. And it’s so hard to stop when I continually see you through Jesus’ eyes. On how He shows me the potential you have in you, and the plans that He has for your life. It’s so hard, too, to pray for someone who’ve hurt you so much. But, when I do, God just keeps on telling me to love you even more; to see the worst things in you, and still see you the best person I know you are. Forgive me for pouring out my heart here, and letting everyone know all of these. But, I believe that this is a chance for me to let them know that I am okay, and that you are a great person. Really. You don’t have to worry about you not being able to reciprocate these feelings. Because, I know, that when the timing is right, and when God finally says so, I will be loving the one God has intended for me — with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul. It might still be you. Or it may be not. (I am still working around that idea, but I will get used to it, by God’s grace.) Do not worry about me. I belong to our Father. I will be okay. No matter what. 🙂 Always praying the best for you. See you around. 🙂